Secret Blog

It’s a bit of a catch-22 situation, I know. If you’ve really not been feeling like sex for ages, whether it’s due to stress, age, family or other issues, suddenly trying to pique your interest could seem a waste of time and effort. The rest of the world can just continue to be horny beasts and bonk away like rabbits without you. Over time the worry may keep resurfacing in your mind, however. Is there something wrong with you?

Sex is a common desire for most human adults*, and it’s good for our physical and emotional wellbeing, as well as helping maintain a strong connection to your partner.

But don’t worry that it’s just you going through a dry spell. A 2008-2011 survey of over 20,000 couples and their sexual desire/activity revealed that only 26% of couples had sex at least once a week, with the majority having sex once or twice a month at most. No matter what your imagination may tell you, a minute 7% of the 20,000 couples surveyed had sex 4 or 5 times a week.

As well as missing out on personal benefits of a healthy sex drive, libido imbalances in a relationship can lead to feelings of guilt and rejection, as well as heightened pressure and related arguments. These can prove to be a serious enemy to the ongoing happiness and sustainability of your relationship, especially if you don’t communicate your feelings honestly with your partner.

Although no one should ever feel pressured into feeling sexy or having sex if they don’t want to, there are steps you can take to help reignite your libido if and when you’re ready.

Stop putting pressure on yourself – it really isn’t helping! Keep calm and try to minimize your stress levels. Try not to feel guilty about saying no – not just to sex, but to other projects and demands on your time and energy.

Make time for you. Set aside an hour or two after work to unwind in the bath and enjoy a good book, or indulge in another hobby where you can relax and reconnect with yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and delegate household jobs to your partner and/or older kids if you can. One person shouldering the majority of home responsibilities by themselves really isn’t fair.

Ugh, exercise… really? Yeah, I’m really not the biggest fan either so you’re definitely not alone. When you’re feeling low in yourself it can be even harder to summon the motivation required to get yourself out the door and moving.

Whether it’s a brisk walk around the town or a class at the local gym, the benefits of exercise are proven, and they’re not just physical either. Exercise reduces stress and cortisol levels, releases endorphins & adrenaline (the feel-good chemicals) plus the physical results can improve your self-image. With regular exercise you’ll become fitter, stronger and most importantly feel good about yourself, building confidence both outside and inside the bedroom.

A type of exercise which reaps sexual benefits is the regular workout of your pelvic floor muscles. Kegel exercisers and jiggle balls can help here.

Strong pelvic floor muscles aren’t just a defense against incontinence, they can also help women enjoy longer lasting and more powerful orgasms.

Feed one appetite to raise another… but before stuffing your face with the contents of the fridge, it’s important to eat well in order to see libido-related benefits. Leading a healthy lifestyle, avoiding drugs and excessive alcohol which can make things worse, and eating healthily can naturally reignite your libido.

Foods which have a libido-increasing reputation include broccoli, nuts and seeds, berry fruits like blackberries, strawberries and blueberries, as well as dark chocolate (so it’s not all bad news!).

Sating your appetite outside of the bedroom will also give you much needed energy when you’re ready to go between the sheets once again.

It may be that you need to tackle your lack of libido ‘head-on’, so to speak, and tantalize yourself by watching some porn. There’s a wealth of different themes and styles out there, and you’ll know once you hit on a flavor you enjoy.

If visual porn –whether film or still photographs- isn’t for you, then try some super-hot erotica. You could swap your bathtime chick lit for the latest release from bestselling erotic authors, or browse the free erotica areas on sex blogs while curled up in bed. You could be reaching for your play partner or a sex toy in no time.

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Once you’ve been encouraged to try a bit of sexy play –whether alone or with a partner- you really don’t want to be put off because of uncomfortable dryness and chafing down there. Keep well lubed so that any forays into fun are a frictionless glide.

Hormones, age, and that old devil stress are just a few reasons for noticeable vaginal dryness. Or sometimes, your body hasn’t caught up with where your head’s at.

Either way, use a lubricant which suits your particular body. Liquids which blend seamlessly with play are advisable, such as water-based, natural feel lube that won’t interfere with your enjoyment or lead to any intimate-zone irritation.

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Trying to become motivated enough to do anything when you’ve not had enough sleep is difficult enough. If you’re struggling with your libido then making sure you’ve had plentiful quality sleep – not just a few snatched hours plus a coffee so you’re functioning at minimal – is a necessity.

Sleeping to reignite your libido might seem contradictory; you want to play, not sleep. But honestly, it’s a waste of time trying to feel ‘in the mood’ when your body and brain are starved of the nourishing, re-energising benefits of good sleep. Set an earlier bedtime, and avoid brain-disruptive activities such as TV, screen-time, caffeine or alcohol late at night when you should be switching off and catching those high-quality zzzs.

Okayyy, how exactly are you meant to have sex to reignite your libido when you’re trying to reignite your libido in order to have sex?!

Yeah, it sounds pretty paradoxical, but I have good reason to include this tip in the list. When I’m in a low libido phase, sometimes I need to put myself into a position where I gradually become sexually interested due to sexual activity. I don’t mean with a partner, necessarily –although this is something you can carefully explore together if you wish, while communicating clearly and honestly.

I set some time aside for self-exploration and masturbation, making sure that time is designated simply for that. Nothing else. It can help to dress the part, to seduce myself in lingerie that makes me feel sexy and attractive. Yep, even though it’s just for me. I make sure I won’t be disturbed, then my body and I have a serious confrontation, and I see what I can do to properly relax -mind and body- and become sexually aroused.

Or perhaps you’ve become too set in your ways with your partner and that’s actually where the problem lies – you’re not disinterested in sex, just bored with how you always have it. Talk. Suggest new things. Read up on new sex positions, sex locations, sex games and tips to spice up your sex life, and see which ones you’d like to try out together.

Get back to your honeymoon sex life and put more effort into seducing each other, instead of expecting insta-arousal simply because you’ve been together so long. Explore erotic massage and types of foreplay which don’t necessarily lead to penetrative sex, activities which are exploratory and time spent just caressing and enjoying each other’s bodies without pressure for more.